2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize