I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
