I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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