I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
