some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
