I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
