i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
