member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
