i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
