You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize