just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
