I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I've blown a few things in my day
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
