I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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