i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
