I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
