there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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