i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Randomize
