I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
