I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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