I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
