i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Never underestimate the power of titties
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