I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
