I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize