I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
We need to get me chipped asap
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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