Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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