Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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