the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize