believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
