That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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