He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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