Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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