took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize