They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
