The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
