There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
