apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
