I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
