i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
