i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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