I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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