I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
