last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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