I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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