i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
either way he was missing a nipple.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I didn't notice because vodka
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
