yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize