i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
