we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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