One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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