So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
