I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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