someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I touched a dick in church today
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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