you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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