At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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