your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Someone came in the potted fern
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
