i need an iv and a liver transplant
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My legs feel like baby dolphins
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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