ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
