I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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