Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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